Zee Big One
2006 will go down in my history as the year I changed my life. So many changes, brought about after years of contemplating and planning and questioning. This year I jumped in and did it. What ever it was, singing, dancing, moving, loving, I found my creativity courage and my voice and ultimately from that, myself. I gave myself some room and the opportunity to find joy again. I surrendered and Spirit showed me the way. I tell the young women I council that it only gets better, and it really does. I wouldn't go back to my twenties if you bought me a house.... well... no I wouldn't. I have never felt so healthy and satisfied and just so meeee.
I let go of a lot. Some because it weighted me down and kept me in a perpetual flight pattern. Done. Goodbye. Threw them over the bridge and never looked back. Some things killed me, like easy access to the best friends I will ever have, not so easy. I miss them terribly and think about them on a daily /hourly basis. I know they are with me though and will thrive on me being activated. They will always be in my life and I will always hold them close. My job: a mixed bag. There I knew who I was, knew what I knew, was respected, listened to, validated as a competant professional, and loved the people. I am good at my work and had a very comfortable situation. It was ultimately time for a change though. I miss my city too, who I have begun to refer to (thanks to my Jersey Girl Karin) as my dirty mistress. She is a temptress that San Francisco lady, and she will always continue to seduce me. And I will always return to her.
I became really comfortable with the unknown. Something I have never been able to do. Because I raised me, and the rest of my family, I have always had to know. Know what I was doing, where I was going, how I was to pay the rent, where my career was going, what was the next big thing. Never satisfied. Had to be doing something wonderful and prosperous. Plus I am a Virgo and that is definately a psychosis. This year I left the world wide open to the possibilities of what could happen, what should be happening, what Spirit wants for me, as opposed to that stringent sargent like mentality that only the oldest daughter of a family of (recovering) alcholics can have. What has come in it's place is beauty and growth and lessons that I would never have thought possible, and I am so grateful.
I grew solid in my practice, hold tight and fierce to it as ultimately this is what holds and grounds me. I know now what I need to do on a daily basis for me to live in my strength. I see the beauty of this and know it is the glue that binds me. I know this is the twinkle in my eye and the skip in my step. Its a lot of work as is everything good. Yes, yes, I am skipping.
I also know what I want and I need, and ultimately through that, what I don't need. I will be fierce and strong and hold tight to these lessons, I bled for them.
I am ready to step up and step out of my Christie bubble. Yes I admit and know I have been living in there. It is really the first time EVA I have given this to myself. It was necessary. It saved my life. Before I entered I was flatlined. I was grey. I was one dimensional. I was fooling everyone, especially myself. I have always been up in and involved in taking care of others and helping and giving and doing. Yes I sound like a martyr but yes I was doing all of this full time and then some. I am grateful that I know how and what to give and that I have this capacity to do it. It is my gift. And yes I am ready to step back into this role as a care giver big sister social worker therapist friend daughter granddaughter counsin in the most sparklie strong giving gorgeous way in that Spirt uses me. I know how again to keep myself strong and give it away in a strong giving caring way that does not deplete all my good stuff. And if I do, I now have tools to come back to. Check one check two.
And yes, I am very optimistic about 2007. Have some great things lined up. I am ready (again) to really begin (again). I feel solid and grounded and sparklie and healthy. I am ready to give and receive and do and feel and be. I had an interview for my dream job at Cornell University, and I am waiting to hear about that. I have had a few dates with new men and have a few others lined up. I have the best roommate ever in my sister who is funny and chill and generous and compeltely grounding. I have my family within driving distance and completely now feel like a strong participant in my family. I have the best friends in the world and feel completely loved and understood by them. I have a world of opportunity, and I have a world of energy to give back to it. I am grateful. I wish the same for you and hold all of you in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Here's to a beautiful New Year!