COMING TO YOU ALIVE n' OFF THE RECORD
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
I know it's a fuzzy picture, but do you know what this is? It's the "friendship pin" you gave me years ago. I have it pinned to my favorite bag, and I think of you and all your silly wonderful ways every time I see it!
Sending you big love and strength now sister... and as you heard so clearly in your dream,
Friday, January 18, 2008
"Mondo Beyondo" oh eight
I have a few crushes in the blog world, two of them I want to shout out in '08 for their courage and inspiration to me. Its weird because I have never met them, but feel as if I have been friends with them for years as they are so giving and intimate with what they share with us in this wild blogger world. Two of them (who are friends) are Superhero (http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/ ) and Boho (http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com/index.html).
Last week was wild and challenging and shot me into new places. I was surprised by it, and what came out was a really strong voice with clarity. Thanks for all your support (you know who you are). I am great, the interview went really well, I feel strong and clear on the other end.
I think we all have these expectations that since it's a new year all is going to be groovy and squeaky clean. Then the snow piles up on the side of the road all yellow and grey and we go "WTF". I have wanted to take Superhero's Mondo Beyondo challenge for a while, so here it goes.
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)
I created a new life in a new state with a new man who exceeds my dreams and hopes and expectations. I was holding his face last night thinking "wow, it was you , and here you are", swoon.... thank you love.
Challenges I faced with courage and strength: Being in love and staying there, taking that awful but necessary job in Newark, staying on the east coast while I was missing my friends and home big time....
Promises I kept: to stay put when I was scared shitless, to be more honest with myself in what I need, not to run when I wanted to, staying close to my family
Brave choices are going back to Omega with Scott and loosing my stable income to plant fertile seeds for a wonderful lifeI am proud of interviewing at Cornell for my dream job, and going through the most rigorous job interview I ever performed and for staying true to my dreams.
2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)
I grieve my life in San Francisco, the reality that I am living now on the East Coast, my community. I forgive myself for that choice.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
(Okay, the next step is to say out loud, "I declare 2007 complete!" How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...)
I am so grateful for 2007, it was a cornerstone year and I am grateful to all and for all. I am proud of myself and my choices , thankful for my losses and see now that it is all part of this wild and wonderful path we are all on.
(The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2008? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership?
Stand up and say it proud, "2008 is my year of...."
After you list your intentions, let's do the list that is truly Mondo Beyondo status. What are the things you are wanting to manifest that are almost too scary to even write down? The ones that elicit a gremlin response of "You can't have that!" or "Who are you to ask for that?" or "Fat chance. That will never happen. You're not a good enough....(fill in the blank)"
Are you nervous? You should be. This list should be a bit dangerous. It should make you feel a little shy and excited. Butterflies abound.)
2008 is my year of surprises, of joy, and of stepping strongly onto this new path.
I know that sometime this year I will finally get licensed for that bloody LCSW test I have been dreading for six years. Also I will be starting my own therapy practice and starting my own business consulting and providing therapy for those who cannot find a solid practitioner in their area (coming soon to a website near you...). I want to create a strong home based business. I want to sort out some of the yucky ambivalent financially successful guilt I have been avoidant of. I can be a strong social worker and therapist and be able to take care of myself financially as well.
I step strongly into my role as a dedicated sister, a strong advocate, and loving partner of Scott.I an really excited for our love, and I am so here...
In 2008 I will love well, live well, be softer and gentler with myself, not be so frikin serious, and have a lot more fun. I want to step deeper into a solid body based practice, to really commit to something that helps me continue to feel good and grow good. I commit to growing towards the raw/living foods path that Scott and I are on, and will have grace for myself when I am not there as well.
I will also be seeking out a woman/spiritual group that I can grow. Even if I have to start the darn thing. I want a community here dammit. So bring it!
And how about you? I look forward to hearing about your dreams and aspirations as well. Thank you Andrea Superhero, I am grateful for this challenge, and thank you for so freely sharing yours.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I'm no angel
It was all I could do to just let the tears roll down my face.
It was just an incredibly emotional day of listening to seven families in a row tell of their tragic tales and how messed up everyone is after it all. And i'm just sitting here thinking " who am I to think I can help anyone?". I was actually relieved to finally be crying. How could I be a person who sits in a room all day hearing of the darkest hardest secrets in a persons life not have some emotion about it? As a therapist doing this for years I have trained myself to have clinical skills, coping skills, rituals to leave it behind. And there I was bawling in the bathroom stall with the puke pink walls and fake flowers all around. "Country Kitch" is the look they are going for in the drab and dismal attempt to cheer this place up i guess. I know its cause its unnatural to have as many clients as they are asking us to have with no break in a forty five minute session four days a week with no support and very little pay. I know this. And wow was I feeling it.
Every morning I glide down the mountain top and put the angels around my car. I learned this trick as one of my grounding rituals, and as I have had a particularly hard time around the mountain feeling safe with all the deer and icy patches and swirly curves, I thought this would help. I look to my right and there is the reservoir and I look forward to my day, being a safe place for these kids to land. I have come into a deeper practice of asking for help, a lot of it, from the universe, the angels, god, what ever will do, when I get stuck in the room and need it to turn to being a session of what it needs to be. What I want to acknowledge is that they are there for me too. I know this... and here is a reminder of how.
Last night, I was disillusioned, burned out even. I know I can do good work. But at what cost sometimes? The amount they are asking of me is too much with very little compensation. I get a world of good from the love of these kids. I do. And my personal boundaries tell me it is too much to ask of me to have seven clients in a row every day. I had had enough. Scott saw it with me on the couch as I was watching "Grey's Anatomy" last night after my crying spell telling him I want to be a bean counter or a telemarketer. The whole show was about faith, and boy, did I need that. Cried through the whole thing I did. Wow I needed that reminder. Faith, hmm. I could sit with that. Faith that I do what I can. Faith that I am where I am to be for now. Faith that I will enlist proper support and receive what I need. Faith. good. thanks ABC television, I needed that. It comes from the weirdest places sometimes...
And then I move to open my junk email on my hotmail account, and there it is. The news I have been waiting for. The interview I have wanted for over two years, on Tuesday, and did I change my phone number because they have been trying to find me....
ps thanks to Katia who reminded me in her post about the site that it was a new moon in capricorn on tuesday where I learned the phrase "in your patience is your soul." http://www.mooncircles.com/newmoon_pythia.html
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Don't You Hate These Things?
These frikin chain emails
makes me zaaany
I just got home from a huge Irish Italian family wedding
I'm exhausted and so cookied out
and received this
so I read it cause I'm a sucka for the horoscope
and it pretty much nails me, Virgo chic
so instead of forwarding to my friends who will hate me
I figure I'll just post it here
cause at least 7 people will read it
that way I'm not "sending it" per say...
but won't have the bad luck to boot
not like i really believe in that stuff...
but just in case
I think I have fulfilled
my forwarding obligations...:
This is the real deal. Try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice
is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.
ARIES - The Aggressive
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight.
Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
GEMINI - The Twin
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Gemini's will not take any crap from anyone. Gemini's like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Gemini's can be very sarcastic and childish at times, and are very nosey.
Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER - The Beauty
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative Person, most's are artists and insane respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare
Spontaneous. Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. The do not forgive and never forgetThe one and only. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying... Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Kinda dumb at times. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones will all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet.
Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always
gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in
long-term relationships. Can be clumbsy at times but tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy, and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when their not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more then their familiy. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not forward
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals. VERY caring, make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes et used by others and hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
OK here's the thing you cant send this to the person who sent this to you so good luck! the other hard part is that last one with this is the loser.
ready ........ set............ GO!
1-3 people= 1 minute of luck
4-7 people= 1 hour of luck
8-12 people = 1 day of luck
13-17 people = 1 week of luck
18-22 people = 1 month of luck
23-27 people = 3 months of luck
28- 32 people = 7 months of luck
33-37 people = 1 year of luck
38 and more = a very lucky life!
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Thursday, January 03, 2008
Year Of Surprises
My Step Mom, pictured above dancing with my father, is a very wise Sicilian woman from the Bronx, who is "usually right". She made the statement that last year was "The year of change" for our family. This year she predicts it to the "The Year of Surprises"
It started off already with them finding out that they have had a four hundred pound black bear settled in living under their porch, right under where they spend most of their time. And we have bear prints all around our yard, esp. near our dear bird feeder. Looks like that is coming down sooon.... arn't they supposed to be hibernating? It's cold, two degrees!
Oh yea, I got my hair cut off. I was butchered by the local yocal hair cut lady. I should know better than to go to a place called "Haircutz". Not much of an option up here though. Next time i'll travel for my cut. Spent Christmas eve having my "mullet" fixed... turned out ok though. My Christmas Miracle: having my Mom's hair dresser "pop by" for dessert and ended up performing emergency surgery on my disastrous dooo. Have bangs now... bangs! It's a good change, I lost five inches off the back, but I like it.
Spent New Years at my brothers, totally fun. Very mellow and cozy. Played "Songster", like Karaoke but you get points. It was great to finally learn the words to "Come on Eileen" by those British guys in suspenders. They are dirty lyrics.. have you ever noticed that? My friend from grammar school said that she used to date one of them. But then again, there were like fifteen of them in the video...
My sister is visiting from Colorado, so
good to have her around. Lots of family time, lots of napping, lots of snow. So far, its great!
Scott and his buddy Santa after a nap
NYE stroke of midnight, taken by my bro
Me my sister and Dad, and my parents dancing, so cute!